Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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