Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
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