When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
