Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
