theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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