Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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