Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
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