I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
