jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
