i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
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