theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
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