i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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