captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
