State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize
