dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Randomize
