the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
