Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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