My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
