I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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