We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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