I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
