He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
