I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
