Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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