he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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