Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i came on her dog
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
party gras won. party gras always wins.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
