Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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