I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
