Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Randomize
