Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
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Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
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Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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