im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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