you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
