Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
