She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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