I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
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I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
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when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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