Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
