I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
