I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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