I was born with a shot glass in my hand
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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