based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
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I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
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i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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