I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
