Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
