I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
