as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
