i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
