I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize