i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
be right there i have to get my cape
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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