worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize