So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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