I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
