Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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