im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
