so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
